


In sorrow we burn, in pain we are numb

by orphan_account



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, At first i thought nah, But then temptation, Car Accidents, Chapter 3 is extra sad, Demons, Denial, Everyone is v worried, Feels, Ghosts, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hallucinations, Hospitals, I swear this au is going to be shit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insomnia, Insomnia!Mahiru, Mahiru sees shit, Mahiru’s Overprotective Genocidical Family of Anger Issues and PTSD: The Origins, Medicinal Drug Use, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Poltergeists, Prologue, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, Wait till he gets outta the hospital, Yall this gon be fun, more tags will be added in the future, oh yeah real fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:51:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8349736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Mahiru and his mother suffer a car crash, something goes wrong, forcing Mahiru to lose desire for sleep, fatigue or not. He quickly begins to lose his grip on reality as time goes by. And his so called "hallucinations" love to make it worse.(Aka the Insomnia!Mahiru au from tumblr that nobody asked for.)





	1. Accidental occurrence

Mahiru is seven when his mother died in a car crash. They had been walking back home during a rainy evening from the grocery store. The rain was slowly picking up. His mother had forgotten to buy a few ingredients for dinner and Mahiru was eager enough to help her.

Mahiru loved his mother. Mahiru has only known his mother and a few others. _(Mahiru never knew his father. His mother would always give him a sad look and change the subject.)_

The rain was strong enough to need an umbrella, but humid enough to walk in summer clothes.

Only a few cars had driven by the street, cautious of the slippery asphalt. Mahiru's mother hadn't heard the sound of a speeding car. _(Mahiru did.)_ She had only noticed it when it changed the direction it was driving. _(Mahiru didn't know that car wheels were made of rubber. He didn't think of the minimized friction and careless turns of the driver.)_

She turned her backside to the car towards Mahiru ,ignoring all of the consequences. Mahiru was going to get hit. Mahiru was going to get hurt, _he was going to die she has to-_

_CRASH_

She was barely quick enough. She had barely managed to push her body in front of the child's body before she heard her bones crack.

* * *

Mahiru couldn't understand what happened first: the car ramming into them , his mother trying to push him away or the _pain, dear god it feels terrible, it's strong, in his legs, his ribs, it's ugly,stop-_

He was barely able to move his head to the side _(the glass was broken, he couldn't feel his face, he wants to see his mom.)_.He wished he hadn't. His mother looked worse than him _(he couldn't even see through one eye but he can't help but feel tears prickle and remorse, dread, fear pooling in his stomach .)_

His mother's body had been marred with cuts and torn flesh all over her body. The arms that had held him were twisted in angles and seeping blood into his already ripped shirt. The spine had been bent at a curved angle, twisting like twig under the car. Parts of flesh were missing. His eyes couldn't even look at her face. His throat felt dry and panic rose in his mind.

"M-Mom?..."- Mahiru sobbed. He begged her to say something, do something, anything. He ignored the ringing in his ears, the numbness creeping up his body and the darkening of his vision. _'Someone, please . Anyone, please help I don't want this I wanna go home, I want to go back, Mom come back,please - '_

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a child. The kid was about two years older than him. He looked like a ghost. His clothes _, his hair, his skin even his nails_. He could only guess what the child's eye color was before it was turned to a plain white color.

" W-who-"- Mahiru could only choke out.

" Not important. I'm just a...thing."-said the child.-" I'm just here to see off your mother. Though I doubt you'll be able to see each other. Even if you're both dead."

"Wh-y?"

" Because she didn't regret saving you. So she's probably already in the other place." Mahiru couldn't understand.

He felt something move next to him and saw the boy glance behind him. His mother was reaching her hand out to him.

"Mom.."- Mahiru sobbed. Her hand rested on his forehead as she lifted her head up and smiled.

"Mahiru, please, live on. Even if simply for the sake of existing. " His thoughts were cut short as he fell into darkness.

* * *

 

Mahiru had slept on the ground before. During one of the few sleepovers he's had when he lied down the warm futon at his friend's house . It was warm and soft and nice.

This was not it. This was not the soft futon he had once felt. This was the opposite. This was the cold and tiny bumps of the pavement digging into his skin. This was the hard road that made his bones burn in discomfort and his skin get patterns mimicking the road.

Mahiru woke up with dirty clothes in the sidelines of the rubble minutes later. He could barely recall the voices of people yelling, shaking him . Sirens can be heard in the background. He feels numb. A cautious hand raises him up and places him somewhere soft. He turned his head as people strapped him in something.

He saw a stretcher with an injured man, fearful and terrified whilst trying to say something to a police officer. He's terrified, confused and on the brink of hysteria. He sees Mahiru looking at him and breaks down even more. He's scared. _(And guilty, added the voice in the back of Mahiru's head.)_

He saw a stretcher with a body covered by a blanket pushed by a few people. They wear faces of sorrow on their faces. _(This stretcher doesn't look back at him.)_

Realization hits him . The car crash. His mother.

His mother is dead. He didn't want to look at the corpse but he couldn't tear his eyes away. He could only give out a few sobs before the doors of the ambulance close.

* * *

 

Tooru would have been lying if he said he didn't run at breakneck speed to the hospital when he heard that Mahiru and his sister had gotten into a car crash. Just this morning life decided to make it hell with a call from a hospital to hear that his nephew was confined there and that they needed a relative to discuss matters with.

At first he was terrified. His nephew was in the hospital and probably his sister too. His terror increased when he thought why they needed a relative rather than his sister. He got to the building, sweating and panting and receiving odd looks from other people at the registry .

"Shirota Tooru. My nephew is here. What happened?! How is he?!" The nurse takes a quick look at her computer screen and motions him to follow her. She led him through stairs and hallways until they got to a specific wing in the hospital. Tooru could feel his regret pooling in his stomach. He tapped the nurse's shoulder to gain her attention.

"Miss, why are we here? Shouldn't Mahiru be in the Accident and Emergency department?"

"About that, Ms . Shirota, you see when he was recovered from the accident, there was a minimal amount of injury on his body, but.."

"But what?!"

"Please calm down and let me explain. He may have gotten with only a few stitches on his legs and ribs but his mother... didn't make it when the ambulance arrived. The man who crashed the car also received a few broken ribs but we think that his mother pushed him away before the car made crashed. We believe he was still conscious when his mother died. Not to mention he's been showing irregular sleeping habits."

Tooru looked at the sign again.

_"Trauma and psychiatric department."_

"We believe that Mahiru has developed a mental trauma."


	2. First contact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mahiru has trouble understanding his situation at the hospital.

Mahiru was awake for everything. The ambulance ride. ( _So bumpy_.) The minute he was brought to the hospital. _(It's so loud_.) The stitching. ( _ **Painful**_.)

Mahiru doesn't sleep for the entire night. ( _It's not that he doesn't **want to. He can't.** )_

_(There's something pushing the sleep away.)_

The nurses wouldn't stop fussing over him. _(He wants them to leave_.) They keep trying to talk to him, telling him that his mother will watch over him, she's still there. ( _Of course she is because she's standing right next to him,soothing him, trying to calm him down. He thinks she's a hallucination, staying there from **shock**. From **denial**. From **loneliness**_.)

He hears a lot of things. The children that cry from not wanting to take part in examinations. The steps of doctors and nurses through the halls.( _The other hallucinations that keep popping in his room and trying to start a conversation with his mother.)_

_( He wants **silence**.)_

It's too crowded for him to think clearly. For once , Mahiru wants to be alone or with his mother. _(But she's **dead**.)_

_( He wants a place where he can cry.)_

"So what are you here for?"- asks every person that phases through the walls.

"The boy is my son."-his mother always replied. Mahiru stares at both of them. They stare back. The others don't leave.

"He's... staring right at us."- says one of the few people who are floating in the air. The air has become stagnant from all of the people.( _He needs **space to breathe**_ **)**

A little hallucination of a girl I trying to jump on his bed. _(Mahiru is amazed at the amount of imagination he has. He's probably been too lazy to think of original characters.)_

A person ( _another hallucination, Mahiru thinks)_ walks into the room _. (He's getting sick of all the crowding.)_

This one is different from the others. The other hallucinations visibly flinch at the thing walking into the room. It's inhuman looking. It's creepy if he could say. It depicted a young nurse, with a stiletto blade folders for limbs and joints. _(It's clear to Mahiru that this one was probably made from a part of his subconscious, when Tooru took him to visit a History Museum and he saw a knife like that in the artifact section.)_ The face is hidden by a handkerchief and from the amount of blood it's caked up, Mahiru is glad it's there.

The "nurse" seemed rather annoyed by the amount of hallucinations in the room, before glancing at Mahiru. So Mahiru does the one thing that he knows that's going to grab it's attention.

Stare straight into it's eyes. The nurse flinches.

Mahiru thought he did something wrong, judging by the frantic apologies some hallucinations are giving the nurse and how his mother's hallucination kept telling him not to look at the nurse for too long. _(This greatly confused him. It's a hallucination, it's not supposed to be aware of it's surroundings. Or maybe they're all one big hallucination? Mahiru feels sick from just thinking about it. )_

Mahiru also saw that the little girl had gotten on his bed. She then decided to look at his face a bit too close, making Mahiru recoil at the lack of personal space. The girl seemed to like this, from the way she looked at him brightly with happy eyes.

" Nii-san can see Masami! What's Nii-san's name?"

Mahiru doesn't reply. He doesn't even know what happened ( _he **does**_ ), it's hard enough to let everything sink in _(it's **not**_ ), he doesn't know what's the simplest way anymore ( _he does, he just doesn't **accept** it-)._

* * *

His mind was whirlpool and he felt like he was right in the middle of it. The "feeling doctor" kept bringing up things that made him feel worse than he already felt. The nurses still wouldn't leave him alone. The medicine he took only felt harder to to swallow each time.

" _Therapy_ " wasn't helping.

" _Compassion_ " wasn't helping , either.

" _Apathy_ " made him feel weak. Pitiful.

" _Ignorance_ " was a temporary bliss.

The " nurse" and " hallucinations" weren't giving him space.

* * *

 

Tooru had came by in that instant. He looked terrible. _(Mahiru couldn't lie. This was the worst he's seen his uncle. )_

He's barely awake, more or less dressed and terrified. _(Mahiru can't bring himself to care. The nurse had taken all of his attention with it's interigation. )_

He didn't react when his uncle walked into the room. Or when he hugged him. Asked him what was wrong. And then started shaking him. ( _Mahiru was lost. Lost in his own world. He thinks. )_ The nurse from the hospital pushes him out while telling him something about another therapy.

* * *

 

"Who are you?"-asked the nurse. Whatever figment of imagination of his mother was still left had been by his side, nervous . _(He feels like the hallucination of his late mother is a bit out of character . He's seen her in a lot of emotional states. Just never in a nervous breakdown. )_

The little girl (Masami, as she called herself ) refused to leave the room . Whilst the rest of the hallucinations left, the nurse seemed to tolerate "Masami".

"Mahiru."

The nurse sighs. It doesn't seem like the patient type, Mahiru notes.

"How can you see us?"- the nurse asked again. It was beginning to become a one-sided argument. Mahiru tilts his head a little. He's confused. He really is. He thought that the hallucination wouldn't try to pry an answer that both of them don't know. ( _It's a hallucination. It probably shares his knowledge. Why wouldn't it?)_

"But you're not real. How can I "see" something that is not "real"? Aren't you just a magic trick my eyes are doing?" The nurse makes a face. It's not one of the "feeling doctors", that's for sure.

"WhAt?! Listen, child, I don't know how your mother raised you but ghost are as real as japanese sub-culture memes. Besides, you're mother is standing right next to you. Are blind or did that crash gAve you brain damage? "

Mahiru doesn't realize that words are flowing out of his mouth and he's not sure whether he knows what he's saying or not.

"She's **not**. She's **not a ghost**. She's **not there**. She's **dead**. She's not there because she's **dead**. If she's dead then I _can't see her_ or _hear her_ or _talk to her_ . She's _dead_ and she's **gone**. And I'm sad. I'm sad ,so my head is making me think that mom's still here and that she won't leave me but she's not. She's dead and-" Mahiru's speech turns into sobs very quickly. Too quickly. ( _ **Hysteria** \- his mind thinks. **Denial** \- his heart thinks. **Hallucinations** \- his body thinks.)_

He didn't realize that he was throwing a fit until his uncle and another nurse (a few other hallucinations too) run into the room. His uncle tries to calm him down.

* * *

 

Mahiru then realized just how scared he is. His mother is dead but he wants the hallucination to stay. He's all alone but he doesn't want that. He can't do anything but something is crawling, just beneath the skin, breathing, telling him to do something. _Anything._

_( **Reality** \- something under his skin thinks.)_

* * *

 

Izuru had been a nurse in a hospital during the first world War. Armed with a pocket knife and above-average medical knowledge, she tended to soldiers and children who barely made it out of the blood bath. She died from being shot through her jaw and then blood loss by a spy who infiltrated the hospital. _( She was prepared to die. It was war. People dying in war wasn't uncommon . She regretted not being able to protect the children that were targeted. Five out of the seven orphans she was designated to died. Two were injured.)_

_(She remembered the last words she heard with bitter tears falling down her cheeks.)_

_("Onee-Sama!" )_

She had seen children, women, soldiers and others go through hysteria and denial. It had been in the job description. Nothing she wasn't used to. But _this._

_(This was the type of bullshit that the teachers in medical schools warned students about. This was the type of bull that psychology and philosophy majors had to deal with on a daily basis, something sort of surgery to doctors.)_

_(This was the stuff they ,nurses and doctors, had been absolutely **worthless** in.)_

This was a downright rejection in reality and self-awareness.

_(Denialism and social rejection, perhaps. )_

She'd heard wails of regret and fatigue from doctors who dealt with mental illnesses of other people. She just never thought it would be this bad.

Mahiru (as his mother's ghost called him) had refused to hold on to a sliver of hope , even if an unrealistic one, yet somehow still managed to be torn apart mentally. _(She was almost impressed.)_

It takes a while for the child to calm down. Masami had tries to calm him like she usually calmed her. _(Izuru had turned into a spirit. Masami had turned into a Poltergeist. She didn't know whether it was a blessing to have a familiar face around or a curse to be reminded of the children she couldn't protect. The job she couldn't do.)_ Although it worked to an extent, hushed words and reassuring whispers could only go so far.

It ends with the doctors forcibly sedating Mahiru . _(Izuru feels wrong when she's calming Masami down.)_

**_(She's calming down the wrong child. )_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. I have legit 0 idea how to update a story on ao3 so this took me like an hour to figure out (send help)


	3. Hypothermia

It's 4 am. when Mahiru wakes up. The uncomfortable hospital bed pushes against his back. _(The warmth comforts him.)_ He wakes up slowly, the anesthetic still having whatever effects on him. ( _He wakes up to silence. )_ The soft light that illuminated outside of his room was his only light source. _(Sweet, blissful silence. **Finally**.)_

For a minute, Mahiru couldn't ask for more. He feels less than thrilled about waking up to whatever nurse is assigned to him or whatever hallucinations decide to take a part of his time, but he's content with the warm bed and silence. ( _Mahiru would've noticed that Masami had been sleeping on the other side of his bed. He'd rather enjoy the itchy blanket.)_

He's still not sure if it's all a dream. _(Things that you want happen in dreams. The warm bed. The satisfaction of silence )._

He sees that the hallucination of his mother is no longer there.

It's barely been a day, but he can't help but feel the tears on his eyes , the stitches digging into his skin, the regret of not telling his mother about the car, the damn car was right in front of them and he didn't even bother-

"Nii-san? Why are you crying?"

Mahiru looks up from his position _(When did he curl up in a ball?)_ to see Masami looking at him with little fists rubbing her sleepy eyes. He feels liquid against his arms. _(When did he start crying his eyes out?)_

"I- Uh. I'm just... sad. I guess."- his voice sounded so feeble, he wondered if it always sounded like that.

Masami seemed to understand the situation a bit better. She stopped rubbing her eyes and shifted to a sitting position.

"Why is Nii-san sad? When I'm sad, I usually go to Daichi. "

Mahiru noticed the sudden change in speech. For some reason, Mahiru had noticed that Masami had never had a single style of speaking _. (It depends on her mood. Maybe it's her trying to be serious. She's a hallucination of a child after all .)_

"Daichi?"

Misami nods.

"Daichi. He's the demon that keeps staying near the place with the women with babies or big bellies. I dunno why though. "

Mahiru notes two things. One is that despite there being hallucinations all over the place, his current hospital has a "demon". A supernatural being from hell. Second is that a demon _( a soul-sucking, cursing, hexing supernatural **thing** ),_ is in there of all places. _(The morgue? First guess. The head doctors office? Probably something or someone was cursed. But the maternity department? It was like putting jam in takoyaki . **Why**? Just, **why?** )_

Mahiru made a face. _(Misami seemed amused. )_

"Do you...want to cheer up?"

Mahiru ponders. He's been doing nothing but lying on the bed. A distraction would be nice. _( Even if it's not real. )_

* * *

Sneaking into the department is surprisingly easy.

Being aproximetly the same size, Masami teaches Mahiru how to climb through ventilation shafts. The first lesson although rough , is not fruitless. The Poltergeist's explanation of "become a fish and slide" seemed a bit sketchy, but after several examples they were on their way.

Mahiru had to be especially quiet, since he was actually flesh and bone _.( Masami is lucky. Lucky that she died.)_

It's about an hour of turns and slides until Masami stops and turns to hatch.

"We're here."

She uses her hair to slip through the openings to unscrew it _(how does it move or how did it even get that long are a few questions Mahiru won't ask.)_

Securely putting the hatch on the floor near a waiting chair, Masami bounces down from the shaft and motions Mahiru to follow. This is where Mahiru's newly born skepticism crawls in.

_(He can't rely on something that might not exist on him getting hurt. Or maybe it's all a dream.)_

"C'mon. There's a chair and it's not that high if you hang from your arms."

Crawling out of the vent, Mahiru landed on the chair and hopped off it. Masami took his hand and started leading to an unknown location.

Warmth . His hand felt warm when Misami took it and started dragging him to who knows where. It was comforting. _(It reminded him of when his mother used to pick him up from school. It hurt a little knowing that it probably won't happen again.)_

But Mahiru couldn't tell whether he was dreaming or his hand was fooling him.

_(He was too caught up in his thoughts to realize Masami had picked up her pace.)_

They stopped near neonatal care unit.

Someone was standing near the glass.

_**(Something** would be more accurate.)_

It seemed like it was a thick black liquid trying to keep it's shape in the form of a human man. ( _The ripples kept disfiguring his shape but he seemed human .)_

_( **Human**.)_

_(Mahiru never would have thought he would use the term "human" like this.)_

It seemed to be looking through the glass.

_(Maternity department. An odd place for a demon to be in.)_

"Daichi!" Masami quickly left his hand to himself. _( Mahiru lost the warmth.)_

"Daichi" turned to Masami . The face made him barf. _(Would have made him barf. Mahiru's stopped getting disgusted at people who had been brought into the hospitals with flesh wounds. And doctors wondered if they had to wipe his memory so he would **"act his age".** )_

The face had looked like someone had stepped out of a blizzard and tried to imitate a snowball. White patches of something made a huge contrast to the red rotting cuts on his face and frostbites. His lips were one of the bigger victims.

"Masami," Daichi ruffled Misami's hair. "What's got you up so early?"

Mahiru decided that introduction would be a nice way to start.

"Hi." His voice sounded weak and he can't tell if it always sounded like that. Daichi nearly gave himself a whiplash from the speed at which he turned to him and...stared. First at him. Then at the wall. The glass window. Him again. And then the wall again. Masami giggled at the action.

"Are...are you talking to us?" Daichi clearly sounded his disbelief. Mahiru nodded. "Can you...see us?"

"Yes. I - well Masami brought me here."

If the hospital demon had been holding something, he would have dropped it. He looks at Misami with his arm presenting in Mahiru's direction. **(** _ **"Explanation. Please"** was the translation_. )

Masami motioned him to get down to her eye level. Meanwhile, Mahiru decides to take interest in the objects on the other side of the window.

* * *

Daichi had seen many things in his short time of 18 years as the demon that keeps watch over the small newborns. _(Most of which came from the psychiatric department, the people with addictions to harmful substances or the few times he's been in hell. )_

_(A little kid no older than ten talking to him in all seriousness is not a part of those things.)_

He may have died pathetically from the loss of his own will to change for the better, but that didn't mean that the universe would take pity on him.

_( "Daichi. I think you should stop."_

_"Stop what?"_

_"This. You're a senior in university, we'll both be graduating soon. We should think about our future. We should think about us."_

_"I know that. I already have a plan. So don't worry about me." )_

It never did. Even before death.

_("As a **drug dealer**?!")_

He's encountered oddities, but this was an anomaly. Then again, he's heard the greater demons say something about "odd requests from mortals" and "praying to dead gods". (He's a fucking child compared to them, who have lived for centuries. Even if he is more humanitarian than most.) So anything can come your way, no matter how good you are at blending in with the surroundings.

And things can and will happen in the moments when your guard is at it's lowest. _("Daichi? Can we talk about something? "...Do you want to break up? It's okay, I understand-" "Daichi, I'm pregnant." "That's...")_

_("That's...incredible.")_

Misami motioned him to get down to her eye level. So he obliges.

"Mahi-nii saw his mom die. He hasn't slept or eaten well and he seems really sad. Can you cheer him up?" She whispered. He can somewhat relate. He's lost two very important family members too.

"What makes you think he might be that sad?"

"Masami woke up to him crying."

'Ah, I see . So it's like that. Death has left another poor soul to suffer with what couldn't have been and cursed him to watch those less fortunate.' Daichi frowned. He's seen a few people who had had this, but they always only scratched the surface.

_(Another child left for the wolves, yet this one sees the danger they hold.)_

He sighed, preparing to talk to the little boy. He's mostly been the one trying to console the ghosts and spirits who were having trouble with accepting their death. Mostly because Izuru couldn't talk to someone without being "professional", as she called it.

He steels himself for the tears that might leak from his eyes.

_(It never gets easy.)_

"Mahiru" had apparently taken interest at the window.

"Um, hi there?" Daichi begins awkwardly. The most common conversation starters were "So, how'd you die?" or the common "What happened?". Both are useless in this situation. "I'm Daichi. If you couldn't tell." Awkward conversation is awkward. "So what happened?" _(He may have been a father, but only for three seconds or so. Give or take.)_

Mahiru seemed to have taken his eyes off the window and on him.

"Why do they put bracelets on the babies?" And Daichi comes to the conclusion that Mahiru is a bit too blunt with his approach. It's clear he wants to know the reason for him being attached to the place. Even if the question is hiding the obvious. _(The kid won't be here for long anyway. It couldn't be that bad._ )

"Ah, that. They're names and codes. Nurses use them to identify which couple had what baby. There aren't any cameras here and it's rare for the nurses to pass by, so I watch them . You need to take great care of them." Daichi decided that morals would be good for children. "People... are as if they are swimming in the sea of life. We all have these things that drag us down to it's depths. Some try to fight the current, others use things to rise to the surface. There are those that cling to the air inside their lungs. Some...simply drown."

_(" Sir, please, we're sorry-"_

_"Shut up! Just - just shut up! Leave!"_

_"We're sorry, but-"_

_"Leave the poor man be. The love of his life spent hours of labor and neither of them could make it. He needs time.")_

"Life is a fickle thing. You should be happy to still have it." Daichi chuckled. "Being dead isn't fun at all."

_("The stale birth was probably a result of using too many drugs in the past. Usually it lowers fertility, but this happens too.")_

"But what if they can breathe underwater? Then they can swim all they want, right?"

Now Daichi needs to think for a minute.

"I mean if there was someone out there wouldn't they be able to pull people up to the surface? They'd be able to save everyone and then no one would have to die. Wouldn't that make every one happy?"

_( Daichi takes back what he thought. It wasn't that bad. It was worse.)_

_"I've never met someone like that._ " Daichi lied _. (He has. Once. When he died.)_

"Does that mean they don't exist?"

"Nobody knows."

Taps of feet were heard. Had Daichi and Masami been alive, they would have given themselves whiplash. Mahiru just stared at the both of them . Out of the corner of the hallway Izuru and his mother. Izuru's expressions seemed to be strained . _(She knows something. )_

Masami gave a sigh of relief. Who knew what the nurses would have said if they caught Mahiru out of his room at this time of night.

The two had seen the trio and instantly went their direction _. (Izuru looking more strained and stressed at the sight of Daichi.)_

_(She prayed that Daichi wouldn't get attached. She prayed to any god that **that** wouldn't happen again.)_

"Misami! What are doing up this late?! And why is Mahiru here?!" Izuru demanded. There was a slight movement in the plants on the counters and tables as they approached.

"Onee-Sama!" Misami ran straight into Izuru's abdomen and latched on. Izuru could only sigh and softly pet her hair. ( _More than half a century of being dead and they were still the same. No progress. )_ "Mahi-nii was sad so Misami went to cheer him up with Uncle Daichi!"

"Misami, that's sweet of you but Mahiru needs sleep. It's" Izuru took a swift glance at the clock." Dear God, it's almost five in the morning! Did he even sleep and hour? Besides, " Izuru threw a glare at Daichi. "He shouldn't be around him of all the damned."

"Mahiru, you shouldn't be awake for a long time. You need energy or you'll be too tired to do anything in the morning." His mother said as she ruffled his hair. ( ** _Warm. So warm.)_**

"Sorry."

"Are you going to tell him?" Misami had managed to crawl onto Izuru's back like a koala and hang on with her head peeping from behind her shoulder.

His mother looked sad all of a sudden. A soft nod came from her. She been down on one knee to Mahiru's eye level. _(Mahiru didn't like this. He really, really didn't want to know.)_

" Mahiru, I won't be here for much longer. I'm not passing on, it's rather different for me." Mahiru noticed the sudden darkness crawling from the back of the hallway. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay for much longer but I'm sure you'll be able to make it . Remember to eat healthy and take care of yourself. "

"M-Mom. Where are-"

_(Her heart couldn't hold any more._ )

"I'm sorry. We'll meet again. Not soon but hopefully. "

She hugged him and gave a light kiss on his forehead. The clock struck five.

A figure in black and white appeared near the family.

"Miss Shirota, your hours are up. Have you said your goodbyes?"

Daichi went in between Mahiru and his mother as she stood up. She approached the figure.

"Yes. I'm ready. "

"Mom?"

"Sorry, kid, nothing personal. "

"Mahiru," His mother gave him a sad smile. _"I love you_. "

"Mom! _MOM_!"

The figure and Mahiru's mother disappeared in black ash.

**"MOM!"**


	4. Desire and illusion

Mahiru curles up even more. He can't contain his sobs.

After the incident, Izuru and Daichi took Mahiru back to his room and tried to coax him into feeling better _. (The key word being tried.)_ He could hardly breathe and Daichi had to put up something so that the other residents wouldn't notice anything. Masami refused to leave him alone for as much as a minute. Coming back to the room, the only thing that Mahiru wanted to was to curl up and never leave the room ever again. Masami was more than happy to join him in his fortress of blankets.

Breakfast came around which meant that the nurses would be checking up on him. Their reactions to him crying his eyes out and muffling his sobs at six in the morning was anything but calm. _(He couldn't help it. At least his mom would have been there but now she's **not.** )_

_(The food tasted bland.)_

The fussing had almost doubled and they called his doctor. _(He heard something about "therapy", "possible mental scar" and "illness")_

His eyes hurt from all the crying.

Later that day, the nurses brought a wheelchair, saying that they'll meet a doctor today.(Sometimes he forgets he's actually injured. He's not supposed to be injured. He's supposed to be dead.)

Masami refused to leave him and sat on the handles and edge of the chair, letting her feet phase through Mahiru. _(It's weird. Mahiru can feel her legs and it's **awful**. Like water going through this one spot in particular. He doesn't say anything about it. )_

The ride was long. The air brushed against his ears and hair while he stared at the ghosts passing him by. Most were deformed with missing or twisted limbs and blood soaking through the clothes. Some were plain with no injuries yet looked old and tired while the younger ones were shaved bald. _( **Victims** of accidents that didn't make it and cancer victims, a voice in the back of his head chimes. Cardiac arrest is a possibility. )_

There's one that follows them. The footsteps are a sign of that. Mahiru can see Masami turning head every once in a while and waving behind them.

It's when they make a sharp turn around the corner that he sees her. It's a little girl in a blue dress with stitched on flowers and nothing but her neck and a lower jaw for a head. The rest of her clothes are covered in bloody splatters.( _Mahiru swallows the bile and a scream. This is a very new level of grotesque .)_

The girl still follows them, no matter how much Mahiru shows stop sings with his hand. In fact, this only gives the girl more meaning to follow him quicker. At this point, she's right behind them and Mahiru wants nothing more than to go back home. The stitches can rip and rot for all he cares, this is a horror movie and Mahiru is **living** in it.

(Mahiru wishes that was the case. He hopes that this is some messed up dream he's having in comatose with his mother, safe and sound, on the other side waiting for him to wake up.)

They reach a room with the tag "Dr. Kiryuin" on it and the little girl is almost breathing down his neck. The nurse knocks on the door twice and a voice tells them to come in.

The woman sitting in the office is elegant and, judging by her posture, proud. She takes note of them and turns to Mahiru. Masami jumps off his shoulders and walks out the door.

* * *

Mahiru is pushed out of the room an is more exhausted than he thought he was. Dr. Kiryuin had been a therapist and the last thing that he wanted was to talk about what he had experienced in the past 24 hours. It's an hour of struggling to sound as unsuspecting as possible. In the end, he's left alone after an hour of interigation.

When the nurse pushes his chair out of the room, the half-headed girl is sitting on one of the vacant chairs. She jumps right off and follows him, this time next to him. ( _Mahiru can't bring himself to even look. It's barely noon and he's already had enough of today. )_

His little hand twitches. ( _There's warmth straight after that on his hand.)_

After a while, the girl leaves them to head back into his own room.

The nurse pushes the wheelchair at a quicker speed. _(They need more **time**. They need more **money**. They need more **opportunities**. There's a voice that tells him this, yet he can't hear it.)_

It's almost noon and Mahiru is left alone in the comfort of his room with a few crayons and a coloring book for entertainment and a tired attitude. He takes interest in the book and picks up an orange crayon.

He finds an empty page of a city with cartoon cars driving near the buildings. He starts colouring them in random places. He was close to finishing an oil truck when laughter chimes in his room.

Masami had ran in there and dragged her near headless friend with her. Mahiru just waves and motions at the book and crayons. They seemed to be happy at that. Or rather it's just Masami, who's dragging her friend along everywhere.

"Nii-san! This is Nishiki." Misami presents her friend with flared out arms and a dramatic pose. "She's my best friend but she can't talk because her head got ripped off in an accident near the hospital. She stopped by to see you." The little girl, Nishiki, shakes her jaw in agreement. Mahiru stops in his tracks. It's the same girl. And her name is Nishiki. Nishiki. _(Mahiru doesn't question it. He's already met a demon and a thing that took his mother. This is nothing. )_

"Hi Nishiki. I'm Mahiru. I like barley tea and orange juice. I'm here because of an accident too." Mahiru winced at his own words. He should have tried to be a bit more enthusiastic about it but he's too _tired_ to care. He could say that he was afraid but he'd rather not.

Masami jumps up and floats in the air, grabbing a blue crayon. Nishiki sits next to Mahiru and takes a yellow one. They both follow Mahiru in colouring.

* * *

Being with Nishiki and Masami was...relaxing. Mahiru can't tell but he feels a wise and calming aura around those two. Like acceptance and patience, yet cheerfulness and caution to the wind. Perhaps it's because they're both dead and don't value material things over what they have.

The way that Masami talks about Nishiki when she can't. The way Nishiki gives out giggles that resonate all over the room. When they doodle outside the lines just for the fun of it.

Mahiru can't explain but to him this is a type of little bliss he'd like to go for every once in a while.

* * *

It's half past six when Nishiki leaves off with a wave, leaving Mahiru and Masami. They resort to counting clouds and pigeons on the window.

"Hey Nii-san." says Masami. She's frowning."What do you think of Nishiki?"

"She's nice and energetic. We both like orange juice. I was a little scared of her but...I'm just stupid I guess."

"You're not stupid. A lot of ghosts are scared of Nishiki. But," Masami pauses. Her way of speech changes." Do you think that Nishiki and you are friends because you know her or because you want to be close to her?"

Mahiru looks at Masami. There's a look in her eyes that shows ugly memories.

"What do you mean?"

"The reason why Nishiki is haunting the hospital is much more different from what she wanted to tell you."

"...I don't think that'll stop us from being friends."

"But don't you wonder about Nishiki?"

"I do. Why?"

"Do you want to know?"

Mahiru paused. His mother taught him that people shouldn't talk about something behind their back.( _He just doesn't remember it._ ) Masami takes his silence as a yes.

"Nishiki...used to be a boy. But she didn't want to be a boy. She liked dolls and flowers because they looked nice. She didn't like to be dirty like other boys or wear ties. She liked dresses and the way they twirled. She liked to be...Nishiki. But Nishiki's parents didn't like that. They kept trying to tell Nishiki that it was wrong to like wearing dresses and flowers because only girls could like that. They said that Nishiki was a boy and a boy had to like manly things."

"But what's wrong with liking flowers and dolls? Mom used to say that toys are just toys."

"Because Nishiki realised she didn't want to be a boy. She wanted to be a girl. But her parents thought that she was going crazy, so they took her to this place thinking that they could "fix their poor stupid son" from being a " _disgrace_ "..." Masami gritted out through clenched fists. A chair on the other side of the room rattled.

"So they started being mean. Trying to "toughen her up". They took away her dresses and dolls and they put her in a school for boys and they kept telling her how **stupid** and **ugly** and-" A glass of water popped. A bed stopped shaking. Curtains eased. Masami took a breath in." And they were **_mean._** Nishiki _hated_ that time. But one day, Nishiki's friend got her a dress for her birthday in secret. It was Nishiki's favorite. She loved it so much. But she couldn't wear it in front of her parents. So she wore it when no one was around. But her parents caught her. So they dragged her off here again. But at the time, there was a gang riding around here. One of them had a bat. And there was an accident and... off Nishiki's head went..."

"But why? Why couldn't they just let her?" Mahiru ponders. His mom used to wear dresses a lot and she was beautiful. So why couldn't boys be beautiful?

"Masami doesn't know. Onee-Sama says that because they were selfish but still. Nishiki is in the hospital because they kept getting dragged off here. She didn't like that lady either." By lady, Mahiru could only guess that it was Dr. Kiryuin. The woman was rather prideful bit gave off the aura of a teacher rather than a doctor.

"But what if Nishiki leaves the hospital? Will she be happy?"

"None of us have tried. We're too scared to dissappear if we leave and we don't know what we should do. But Masami wants to stay friends with Nishiki" Masami turned to Mahiru. "And Nii-san. Masami wants to be friends with Nii-san and Nishiki for a long time!"

_(Mahiru's heart sinks at the reply. He doesn't know what would happen if they left the hospital.)_


	5. A favor for a stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long awaited chapter five!!! I wanted to make this longer but I felt like if made you guys wait it might make the story irrelevant. Next chapter will most likely come quicker but fair warning, it'll have some graphic stuff in there (0>0 ; )

Daichi comes by to check up on the two of them at midnight. Masami and Mahiru seemed to quietly try to make up names for stars and constellations while pressing their cheeks against the glass. Daichi chuckled. Those two would have been incredibly close if the accident hadn't occurred. _(He wonders if he and him are close.) (Absurd. They haven't interacted as much.)_

He sighed. He knew what would happen if the poor kid got an attachment. He sympathetised with him with his own experience. _(He loved her. And their child. He just wished he knew. Knew before he started digging himself into his grave.)_

It was hard enough for Mahiru to cope with his mother's death, turning into a demon because of him would chew him out and send him back into the pits of hell with the poor kid tagging along. Extra emotional baggage was not something that he wanted to carry.  _(Not with him barely being able hold his own._ )

" Hey," he exclaimed, gaining their attention." Don't stay up too late - you both need sleep, whether one of you doesn't need any or not. Me and Izuru will be on this floor. If you need anything, that is."

Before he was able to move, a tiny hand grabbed his sleeve. He turned to see Masami holding it with beaming eyes. He knew that look she had.

"Uncle Daichi, can you tell Masami and Nii-san about the stars? Please!" Masami begged. He wished he could but his talk with Izuru had other thoughts.

_("Daichi. I need to speak with you."_

_"If it's about the missing anesthetic from the supply room, it wasn't me but besides that, sure. What is it?"_

_" You probably already know what it is. It's about Mahiru-"_

_"What happened back there? Why was an extractor after his mother? Those things usually don't go after human souls. They go after anomalies. Even if she made a contract with a demon, a curse would have been put on her and dragged her off."_

_"Mahiru wasn't born in this hospital so we didn't know what connections they had."_

_"Don't you mean 'don't' know? Present simple, not past simple... Unless-"_

_"She told me something very...Alarming."_

_"Which was?"_

_"...You're not going to like this.")_

After what he heard, his comments about the anesthetic might as well be a lie. He should have died from alcohol poisoning. It was still under the gluttony category, but at least he might have been able to drink his anxiety away.

_("Izuru... Please tell me you're joking..."_

_"I wish I was. But the words that are coming out of my mouth are straight from his mother."_

_"Wha- How? How did she do that?! What kind of an inhuman cult was she running to get to this?! Doesn't that woman understand what she's done?!"_

_"Daichi-"_

_"Mahiru is **seven**  and he's seen his **mother die** , ghosts with blood on them, stupendous amounts of gore and now we're adding that to the pile?! He's seven, Izuru.  **Seven**! He's too young to deal with bullshit like this. He's too human to deal with this-"_

_"Daichi. I know how you feel. But that is the reason that boy's still alive. I know this will have hellish consequences-"_

_"Hellish doesn't begin to describe the shit show that Mahiru's mother left her son with!"_

_"Let me finish! I know this will have hellish consequences but that...thing is more than capable of taking care of Mahiru. The kid is his only lifeline from that prison, so he's probably going to care for him until..."_

_"Until what?"_

_"I don't know honestly. Until the situation takes a turn, I guess.")_

The point still stood - as long as he doesn't get attached, Mahiru will be fine. Even though the probability of something that makes even ancient natural-born demons look like infants in comparison is standing outside the hospital, waiting for the kid. The only thing stopping it from forcing its way in are its manners and still existing patience. Entering a demon's territory without permission was like a proposal for slaughter. Especially if one intruding is powerful and the territory holder was attached to it _. (Fear was gnawing at him more and more every time he looked out the window and saw it looking back at him, demanding something.)_

No attachments and the hospital would still be in one piece. Hopefully.

Looking back at Masami, he ruffled her hair. "I'd love to but Izuru wants to talk to me about something. She'll probably chew me out if I kept her waiting anymore." It wasn't a complete lie. Just sprinkled with it. Masami was pouting but conceded. Floating over back to Mahiru, she waved him goodbye. Daichi returned the gesture and went through the door.

He's barely past the hall way when he sees it looking through the window with eyes of golden colour.

" **Where is the child?"**

"This is my territory and I don't have to tell you anything." Daichi whispered, voice shaking. The thing's eyes narrow. Daichi feels himself shaking. This could get brutal and in a way he will definitely regret. To his relief, it goes away.  _(For how long, he doesn't know. He just hopes that this thing doesn't keep grudges.)_

He bumps into a ghost. The ghost stumbles back. ( _Not an unusual reaction. Most of the dead of the hospital walk on eggshells around him.)_

"Daichi-san, you're usually in the-"

"Yeah. I know. I just have to check up on other kids too, y'know? Masami is getting really attached to him." Daichi chuckled.

"Well it's best if she doesn't. I heard he's going to be discharged soon. Probably tomorrow. "

"So soon? How long has he even been here?" This was... Peculiar _. (Why was the spirit so interested all of a sudden?)_

"Three days, i think. It's probably because the funeral is tomorrow."

"The funeral? Oh right." For a minute, Daichi forgot that someone died a few days ago. ( _Not like it matters. His business is the hospital and nothing else.)_

_(But what about Mahiru?)_

"Then there's also the whole "custody rights" problem. The guy who came by was his uncle. He doesn't really seem like the responsible type." The ghost scratched the back of it's head.

"What about relatives? Grandparents, cousins, there's got to be a godparent, right? We can't just let the kid go out to the streets to fend for himself." The ghost flinched at that. ( _Daichi can hear it whisper under all of it's restraints and across the distance.)_

_(" **Bullseye**." It said.)_

"That's...the problem. The register called every and any person they could connect the dots with. Aquentences and close friends included. " Daichi raised an eyebrow.

"Nobody wants custody over him."

"What?!" Daichi yells. The ghost jolts. The hospital nearly shakes. He's pretty sure he's woken up a few people.  _(The creature outside snickers.)_

"What do you mean 'nobody wants custody over him'?! He's a good kid-"

"They don't see him as such. To all of them, Mahiru is another mouth to feed. And nobody wants to do anything with him for some reason, but at least one of them has to take him in." Daichi's knuckles turn white. (' _Mahiru is a good kid, he wanted to understand Masami, he's nice and polite, he's a great kid, why do they not want him? He's an angel-' questions and panic rise to Daichi's head faster than he can process them.)_

**"To them, he's nothing but a problem. A chore. If he doesn't need me now, he'll need me later. Sooner that later."**

Daichi whips his head towards the window.

"Damn thing spoke..." He whispered.

"Is something wrong? Is someone haunted coming?" The ghost is clearly alarmed. The thing isn't visible to anybody of course. It shows it's presence as it pleases, just as how it does whatever it pleases.

"It's nothing. Just a fluke. I'm going to meet up with Izuru. I'll see you later." Daichi said as he walked off. Fear was gnawing at him. If Mahiru was left in the care of someone responsible and caring, then Daichi could have seen him off with ease.

This. This. This is bad. Daichi doesn't nor does he want to know what it means to be the neglected child of the family and he can't let Mahiru find out either. They're just going to argue about who's going to take him in right behind his back. And what's going to happen after that? Daichi will not stand for this. He's going to do som-

Daichi stops in his tracks.

_(Oh. Oh no. He's gotten attached to Mahiru.)_

"Shit."

Mahiru is woken up the minute he falls asleep. A gentle push on his leg is what startles him. ( _Then again he wasn't even sure if he was asleep.)_

"Excuse me." Said a soft voice. "But are you the kid that everyone has been talking about? The one who can see us?"

Mahiru sits up and looks at the stranger. She's a woman in her early twenties, brown messy hair with some blood running down her forehead. The left eye seemed to be clogged with blood and but the body was relatively fine.

"Who are you?" Mahiru asks. The spirits talk about him but Izuru had specifically said for no one to approach him directly. ( _He had a bad feeling pooling in his gut.)_

"Oh, were you asleep? I'm sorry but it seemed like this would be the most appropriate time... I just wanted to ask you of something." The ghost seemed nervous about it and Mahiru seemed just as worried. Masami was nowhere in sight. Before he could answer, she started talking again. "You see, I died of a concussion on the way to the hospital from an accident. But...I haven't been able to pass on."

The woman gestured to her finger. She had a ring on.

_('Ah. So she was married. And wants him to deliver her final words to her beloved.' A voice speaks in his head.)_

"My husband and I had been married at the time of my death and I wasn't able to update my will. I- I'm not asking for much. Just a message to tell him what I wanted to say. A letter. Drop it off at our apartment. It's really the only thing I could think of." She continuesly made nervous gestures and her voice cracked on every syllable.

"You...want me to help you?"

_(The words barely leave his throat before he hears a shriek from outside hospital.)_


End file.
